On Baby Girls

The newest member of Kohl’s gang is three months today.  That essentially means that dad is now an expert on raising both boys and girls with an added expertise on raising special needs children.  With that authoritative knowledge in mind, the majority of Americans are likely wondering, what are dad’s thoughts on baby girls?
Well, America, this is your lucky day.  In honor of Amelia’s three months on this Earth, here are three very profound thoughts on those aforementioned subjects:

  1. Most, if not all, women have a propensity to get “hangry”  (hungry + angry = “hangry” to the uninitiated). I am not a man of science, but would bet that this tendency is built into their chromosomal makeup.  With Amelia, I have discovered that this starts on day one.  Amelia is a very sweet, very easy baby.  But the second that she gets hungry, she needs breast milk and she needed it five minutes ago.  The casual observer witnessing the intensity with which she attacks a nipple would assume that this little creature had not eaten in days.  She gets it honestly.  Kohl and Amelia’s mom will oftentimes say, “I need a snack.”  If this plea, which sounds innocent enough, is not tended to within five to seven minutes, however, whoever has let this untenable situation elapse will find themselves in a predicament akin to being trapped in a cage with a vicious Jaguar in which your only hope for survival is to throw it a chocolate brownie or bowl of ice cream to distract it long enough and hope to escape.  Indeed apple does not fall far from the tree.

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2. There are certain aspects of being the father to a girl that are just inherently uncomfortable.  First, it will never not be weird for us to wipe a vagina.  Never.  Secondly, every father secretly harbors a fear that his daughter will become a stripper or otherwise morally casual.  I have discovered that joking about this phenomenon will not make it go away. “Amelia Ann Chrestman: born at 7:10 a.m. August 19, 2014.  7 lbs. 10 oz.  So far, she’s not a stripper.”  Such was the birth announcement sent to other male friends with daughters.  Was it for a cheap laugh?  No it was not.  It was sent with sheer terror thinly veiled with nervous laughter.

3. Little girls have a remarkable ability to wrap their daddys around their fingers at a very early age.  The first time your baby looks at you and smiles, is a magical moment that never gets old.  I have spoken about the importance of eye contact in making connections with your child.  Those opportunities are few and far between with Kohl, but when they come they are extra special.  Whenever Drew Brees throws into triple coverage, whenever someone cuts me off in traffic or otherwise acts like an ass hole, all it takes is one look at these two little turds….

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… and all is right in the world.

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