By: Dad, a.k.a Andy “Liquid A” Chrestman and Hunter “Dirty Dirty” South
Kohl, with his mom’s help, would like to tell you about his G-tube. He got it about a month ago. He will describe it through the majesty of song. For those who have not met our friends Snoop Dogg, Dr Dre, or are otherwise unfamiliar with 90s hip hop, please view the following orientation video:
One, two, three and to the fo’
Kohl and his gang, they got somethin’ you should know
Ready to tell you somethin’, so listen up
Cause you know I’m ’bout to rip shit up
Now don’t be alarmed, don’t bust like a bubble,
Drinkin that bottle, oh yeah you know it gave me some trouble,
Ain’t nothin’ but a G-Tube baaaaby
For medicine and food, nuthin’ crazy
That tube is the thing that feeds me
I’m unfazeable, so please don’t try to faze this,
But, uh, back to the lecture at hand
I wasn’t growin like I was ‘sposed ta, don’t you understand,
From a young G’s perspective, those calories they crucial, it ain’t no elective,
I need to eat right to feel right man,
And keep on growin’ right man, and at the same time developin’ man
Now you know I wasn’t with that medicine shit
Even mixed with milk or with chocolate, you know I still rejected it,
Now that’s realer than real-deal Holyfield
And now all you uncles and aunts know how I feel
Well if it’s good enough to get broke off a proper chunk
I’ll take a small tube of some of that blended stuff
I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh
I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh
I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh
Mom, creep to the crib like a phantom
[MOM ON THE MIC’]
I ain’t dreamin’ but I’m creepin’, might be weepin’
But I damn near went nuts ’cause my baby wasn’t sleepin’
Now it’s time for me to make that little gut swell
So sit back, relax and pass out and don’t yell
Never been able to feed you like this befo’
With this tube that can help you develop and grow
I don’t even feel bad for your dad when you spit
You know and I know that getting it on him’s some funny shit
[KOHL ON THE MIC’]
To add to my collection, the defecation
Smells like death, take a breath and don’t choke
If ya’ do, ya’ have no clue
O’ what me and my Mommy Sarah C came to do
I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh
I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh
I drink milk, if I don’t then I won’t grow
Awww, shiiit, it just spilled all over the floor
Fallin’ back on that ass with a belly full of somethin green
Gettin’ funky in my huggies, I think you know just what I mean
It’s the capital K, O, H, the fresh L, P double O P
D, A double D Y, don’t you wanna’ see?
Showin’ much flex when it’s time to wreck a diaper
Smilin big and laughin’ when dad turns into a griper
Yeah, and I won’t quit
I doubt they in the mood for some of that stanky Kohler shit
Yo Mom, [What up Kohl]
You gotta give me what I want [What’s that, K?]
You gotta’ break me off somethin’ [Hell yeah]
And it better not be pumpkin [cuz you don’t like Chompin?]
I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh
I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh
It’s like this, that’s my medical update you know
So jus’ chill … till the next episode
###
Performed by Kohl “Lil’ Nugget” Chrestman, featuring Sarah “Warrior Princess” Chrestman
