Cougar in Heaven

Dear Allison,

Today you would have been 45 years young. Were you still with us, I would have likely gifted you a cheetah-skinned mini skirt and given you other such cougar-themed paraphernalia. I know I started making those jokes back when you turned 40, about three years before you left us. My apologies but, as you know, being the son of Reuben genetically predisposes me to repeat the same jokes ad nauseum.

Things here in our Earthly realm are crazy as always. When people lose loved ones, it’s popular to say things like “not a day goes by where I don’t think about you,” or something else to that effect.  

My thoughts are all over the place: The latest dick joke… Imagining in vivid detail taking away the oxygen of the latest fat, fucking, lazy, need-to-exit-the-gene-pool sack of shit that parks in the handicapped spot at Kohl’s school… giggling while deciding who will be the lucky next recipient of my “solar eclipse” dick pic …. experiencing truly numbing anxiety worrying about the prospect of horrible things befalling my children and other loved ones.

All this is to say that sometimes I am a fucking mess. And I would be lying if I said that not a day goes by where I don’t think of you. Because, as you can see, I think of really stupid shit a lot. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you terribly. 

And I do think about you a lot. We all toasted you at the beach a few weeks ago after we stole a bottle of your favorite red wine from mom and dad who have stockpiled 1,439 cases of it. 

I of course think about you every time I interact with your kids. Ellie is so mature and talented, and she continues to amaze me. (She just got her fucking drivers license by the way!) Last time I saw Tripp, I had kind of an “oh shit” moment after I had an adult conversation with him, at least to the extent that I am capable of having an adult conversation.  They are also both kind souls which, despite their many other notable accomplishments, I know you would be most proud of.

I think about how proud you would be of Amelia and Kohl. Amelia, her resting bitch faces aside, is a truly intelligent, sweet bringer of pure joy.  I am having the time of my life watching her grow up. Kohl continues to grow in his own, miraculous way.  Today, he swatted away a golden retriever that was kissing his face which he has never done before and said “hi” to Sarah more clearly than he ever has. I love those two fuckers on a level I never thought possible.

But I think you know all of these things. 

I have never been religious but my biggest hope is that you now exist on a plane in which you not only know all these things but you know what is in our minds and hearts.

So the next time I feel down, the next time I lay in bed at 4 a.m. with no desire to face the day, I am going to think of you and lean on you. Lift me up as you so often did when you were here.

I love you Eye-shy.  Happy 45th.

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