Now that we are two weeks into the new year, you our faithful readers have probably been wondering: what of the cool shit from the Chrestman family? Was the concept of the “cool shit jar” just a one hit wonder?
Our new readers can read about the concept of the “cool shit jar” here and here. It was a great idea and one that we ran with enthusiastically throughout the course of our 2,013th year. But for whatever reason, the jar did not see nearly as much action in 2014. Blame the busy schedules. Blame making another baby. Blame sheer laziness. But whatever you do, don’t blame a bad year because 2014 was most certainly full of cool shit.
We don’t want you to lose any more sleep over this, so we now present you with 2014’s cool shit so that you can all get on with your lives:
January: The Saints won their first road playoff game. This entry was undoubtedly placed into the cool shit jar in between sips of celebratory bourbon and shit-talking text messages to fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. But after suffering through the 16 weeks of frustration, inconsistency and mind-boggling underachievement that characterized the 2014 season, reading about our playoff win way back in January from a bygone season is sad. I look at it in the same way as a mother nostalgically looks at baby pictures of her child who has grown up to be a felon. My how far we have fallen.
March: At age two, Kohl got to be in his first wedding. Not only that, he got to be a ring bearer. The wedding featured friends of the gang Chris Freeman and Melissa Schwickrath. These folks are special. Chris spent the better part of a year trucking Kohl around twice a week to physical therapy sessions when Kohl’s mom was unable to drive and Kohl’s dad’s work schedule did not allow it. For this, Kohl and his gang were eternally grateful, and bearing the ring in their nuptials was the least he could do. Besides, it’s not every day he gets to dress up and look swag-tastic:
July: Kohl started his new school which has turned out to be a great fit. The class has both special needs students and typical students, which is a good learning experience for both groups of kids. Kohl’s brutally handsome looks and charming personality have won over the affections of his class mates. One girl in particular who seems to be rather smitten with him. This is a welcome development because a latent fear every parent of a special needs child has is that their child will be the subject of mockery. So far, Kohl’s classmates could not have been better. It’s nice to see how kind a toddler can be. I probably used to be that kind too. Before I became an ass hole.
August: A big-blue eyed, screaming, cooing, laughing, smiling, sometimes hangry, mostly happy little lady named Amelia landed on Planet Earth. She immediately fit in and began conspiring with BBK (big brother Kohl) about novel ways to torment the older, bigger people that live with them.
Our delay in providing you with 2014’s cool shit was not completely accidental. You see, yesterday Kohl celebrated his third birthday. We are thankful every minute with him and all the joy and happiness this little 37 pound mound of twisted steel and sex appeal has brought us. Three is a magical number, and we believe Kohl’s third year will be a special one.